I'll try and keep this short because the history behind this issue is about 26 years in the making. (I'm 27 ).

My FH and I have finally decided on a date and have spoken to our respective families about their roles both financially and emotionally.

Here's the problem. My mother has left my family a total of 4 times since I was 1. Each time draining the bank account and leaving my dad in a mountain of debt. She's been estranged from my family for almost 8 years now. In this time, I've spoken to her intermittently and my FH and I saw her about 2 years ago for an afternoon. I won't get into details about why she left. But this last time was by far the most destructive, she left my father in a huge financial mess that he's only now coming out of.

Now she's found out that my FH and I are getting married and quickly offered to pay for some of my dress. However I do not believe that she will actually follow up with her promise because I haven't received a gift from her in the last 7 years and the last gift she gave my brother was a $50 cheque that bounced. So instead of receiving $50, he paid a $35 NSF penalty.

I also believe that if I did accept money from her for my dress she will expect an invitation to the wedding. I know sooner or later I'll have to tell her she's not invited. My brother is not on speaking terms with her nor are my father and grandparents. I'm very fearful that she'll will overlook my request and crash the wedding because she thinks she deserves to come.

How do I talk sense into a nonsensical person? She still hasn't apologized for what she did to my dad and is adamant that she never hurt us. Please don't tell me that she should come just because she's my mother because if she did come no one from my family would show up for my wedding.

If anyone has gone through something similar to this I'd like to know. I'm contemplating a city hall wedding just so we can avoid her surprise appearance but I'm my father's first daughter and my grandfather's first grandchild and I don't want to take this away from them or from myself and my FH.

Okay so my post was a little longer than I expected.

Thanks zoobaby and LadyA. She does live across the country so I don't know how easy it will be for her to crash the wedding. My brother is one of the ushers for our wedding and he wouldn't have any qualms about turning her away.

She can be vengeful though. I was engaged once before and she found out and accused my father of telling me not to tell her but it had been my decision not to tell her because I hadn't heard from her in almost a year and I was already having second thoughts about that engagement (turns out I was right about the guy cheating on me).

To get back at my dad, she tore up the divorce papers (that she had requested) he had signed and mailed to her the week before.


I'm very close to my dad and his parents and it would kill them for her to be there and because my dad and my grandparents are paying for much of the wedding I need to respect their wishes. I think she needs to understand that my wishes mirror their wishes. She's never been much of a rationalist though or a better way of putting it is that her rational is biased towards her betterment.

The last time we spoke she asked if we had a date set - we do now but no ceremony or reception venue have been chosen. Do I wait until she asks again or do I send her an email sooner rather than later?

I wasn't going to accept money for the dress either way because of the bounced cheque issue a couple of years ago. Too much of a risk.

Sorry Sachi - I meant to reply earlier. A destination wedding isn't a possibility because my FH's grandfather can't travel and neither can my uncle, he has Parkinson's. That's why we're having the wedding back home rather than where we live now.

Sorry I've been away from the Boards - not much planning has gone down in recent months but we're back at it now and I wanted to update you all on "the conversation" I had with my mom last night about her not being invited to the wedding.

Just a quick note that my mom hasn't spoken to me, I mean a real conversation, in over 6 months. The only thing she's done is quick messages on FB demanding to know when the wedding is or MSN messages demanding the same as "YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW." No phone calls at Christmas, no calls to talk and catch up, how FH is - just demands.

Of course last night when I told her, she couldn't understand why she wasn't invited and she even accused me of acting like a 16 year old having my grandparents tell me what to do. Never have my grandparents told me what to do. They've been great pillars for me when times have been very tough for us because of my mom's actions. So I explained to her that this was my decision from the get-go.

Another side note - my mom can be so manipulative, she makes me uneasy - over the phone, in chat and in person. She's a loose cannon with a viper tongue. I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer, yet.

She kept making comments about how she "thought I got over everything". As any human knows, it's hard to just get over something. There's a process to follow and sometimes it can take years. And we were building towards that but then I realized that she's still the same person, doing the same things and saying the same things. Bottom line is I don't trust her and I continue to wait for the other shoe to drop.

I've told her before that she's never actually apologized for the 21 years of fear, uncertainty and anxiety I lived with every day. She ignored the comment. I told her that every time I get a long distance call I fear it's a collections agency or the police looking for her. She ignored the comment.

She then proceeded to talk about my father and grandparent and brother and sister saying "i have nothing bad to say about anyone if they can't forgive that is their problem not mine". Well it's my problem too because we're still a family and why would I hurt the ones I love on my wedding day just so someone who's repeatedly torn our family apart can be happy "just to see me"? Notice no mention of being happy to see my brother or sister? That's because they don't want anything to do with her.

So the last comment begs the question: She's never apologized to my father or grandparents for taking their money but she feels like she should be forgiven. What gives?

Towards the end she kept bringing up grandchildren (which none of us have kids) and how I'm wrong from keeping their grandmother away from them and I'll have to live with that and that she won't be in my wedding pictures. Again what gives with that? She wasn't in my graduation pictures, she hasn't been in any of our family reunion pictures, she hasn't been around because she ran far, far away from her problems.

I think she was more hurt that I finally stood up to her and told her how I felt and she's never liked that, ever.

It felt good to tell her. I knew she'd be defensive and wouldn't want to listen to what I have to say but a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders but I'm still terrified that out of some sick sense of what she thinks is due to her, she'll still show up.

Thanks for reading - Rant over!

Thanks for sharing Saucybride2010. I'm glad to see that you were able to work it out with your mom.

For me, I would use the term "speaking terms" loosely. I speak to her out of fear of her hurting herself or worse because to get back at us as no one from my family or hers are really on speaking terms with her. Her own mother didn't want to talk to her when she showed up at her door unannounced.

I would have more regrets about her showing up to the wedding than her not showing up. Sure I might think about her and call her on the day and send pictures but it would be an awful experience for everyone involved.

Could you imagine the speeches? "Thanks to my dad for being there, thank you to my grandparents for believing in me, thank you to my brother and sister for letting me be their big sister and thanks to my mom for stealing from all the people I just mentioned and oh yeah for tearing up the divorce papers she had my dad sign and for hocking my CD collection in high school and for leaving us 2 weeks before Christmas when I was in Grade 9 with no car and no money. You're the best."

Sorry if that was cold but I read the last part straight out of a wedding scene out of a bad comedy and it does make me laugh at how ridiculous she's acted.

If she had been willing to start the healing process by apologizing to us - maybe things would have been different but it's been 28 years and she still sashays around like she's done no one wrong ever.

I don't think she'll ever change. My dad gave me some great advice in saying that it's better to have a long distance relationship with her if I want to have a relationship at all. Any closer than that and I just increase my chances of being burned again.

Ha! I've been told so many times to write a book but I'm always afraid she'd want a cut of it.

And I've never met a Sara I didn't like.

Update: So a friend just reamed me out for having said I'm not inviting me mom. She said she wasn't picking sides but I could tell she was trying to tell me that I had made the wrong decision.

This friend has been my friend since Grade 5 and knows more about me than anyone except for my FH so I'm unsure as to why she's saying what she saying.

No, she has dad issues. But both of us have dealt with a parent with an addiction. He was an alcoholic -- my mom is a manic-depressive gambler.

Her dad died when we were 12 so I think it's one of those "well consider yourself lucky you have a mom" kind of deals.

Update: So my mom emailed me this about 2 hours ago.

"After talking with my friend and getting the hurt, anger and sadness out, i hope you have a beautiful wedding and a great life with FH."

So we talked for a bit after getting the message and I explained again the many reasons (some personal, others legal) why I didn't feel comfortable with her being at the wedding and I told her it was my every intention to talk to her the day of and maybe even see her soon after.

I also told her that she was silly to think that she would never meet her grandchildren. We just can't have a "normal" family relationship where we all get together for drinks and BBQ because my sister and my brother may never fully heal from all this. If she can afford to come to Ottawa or vice versa, that's fine.

I just hope her friend can keep her in a positive state of mind and try to keep her from gambling. And now I think she realizes that 10 chain mails a week doesn't constitute a relationship.

I just hope she wasn't lying about feeling better about my decision because I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I'm glad too that even though my FH's parents are divorced they tolerate each other.

My dad hasn't dated anyone since the last split and I don't expect him to any time soon either.

Although she lives in BC and we live in ON, we're still putting our family on notice as well as the staff at the hall.

My sister decided after much soul searching that she would feel better if my mom wasn't in her life.

I would be very sad if she passed away tomorrow. I think that's why I do answer her calls when she calls twice a year and why I do talk to her online. As the oldest child, I would feel tremendous guilt if she hurt herself over all this.

I don't really ever expect to see her face to face again and I think keeping in touch is more for her than for me. Now if she does something again to betray my trust I have no qualms about cutting her out for the sake of my new family.

I just found out yesterday that she's having surgery just before or just after the wedding and is on EI because she can't work for the next six months.

Note: I had to ask her about her MSN status because she doesn't tell me anything (one of the problems I have with her).

So she wouldn't be able to and/or afford to travel to the wedding anyway. She's known this for a while it seems so she should have just said this in the first place before demanding to know about the wedding. And I wouldn't have even told her about not being invited. Sometimes I think she hides things on purpose just to get a leg up on a situation.

I don't want to speak for Mrs_H_Allen but the way I read it was that she asked was asking because she thinks it's justifiable to cut my mom out of my life and to cut my mom out of my life I would have to accept that she'd be dead to me even while she was still alive.

Thank you vlahopg for your support.

I think she knows if she shows up that it would be the end of any relationship we have.

I'm just very appreciative that all you lovely ladies on here have let me talk about this. I have the same problem as you, having to defend myself to friends and family members.

I posted this in the countdown forum so I thought I'd update here:

My mom secretly contacted one of my cousins for wedding details because she's planning on buying a plane ticket and showing up to my wedding uninvited. She seems to think that she has the right to see her daughter in her wedding dress.

Thankfully my cousin told her she wasn't getting involved and didn't give her any information.

She even lied to me just as recently as Saturday saying she's not at the wedding so she really doesn't have a say in what I do.

So now I've got to call her and explain to her that she's been caught in her lie and that she's ruined any chance of a relationship with me.

Who does this kind of stuff?

Thanks Wwoman.

I'm dreading calling her because I know she's not going to change her mind. We've already talked about it as a family and if need be we'll be contacting the police. Last night when I was exhausted all I could think about was her coming in with a gun and doing something stupid. Sleep dep is bad, bad, bad.

Shore - thankfully I've only got the mom though. My sister's on the level. Was there a point where you just stopped talking your mom's calls?

My mom has a new bf and a new job so I'm thinking she could afford it now.

My aunt says not to call her about it but my gut tells me to nip it in the butt now. I don't know what to do.