12 Aug 2011 7:20 PM
5 Oct 2010
MIJ
Chatterbox
490
So FH and I are going around in circles regarding our wedding. He wants to elope and have a party 8 mo later. I agreed to it but I'm not loving it and want to try to find something better.
FH and I are not particularly close with most of our extended family. If you were a cousin/aunt/whatever that we didn't see regularly(ie MAYBE once a year for dinner....)would you be offended if you were invited to dinner & dance but not the ceremony?
12 Aug 2011 7:26 PM
13 May 2009
GTA
muskn
Addict
3,770
Yes. Seems like a money grab.
12 Aug 2011 8:58 PM
21 Sep 2008
123not_it
Fan
892
Yes if I was an aunt I would be offended. Cousin, not really but I never see my cousins. Like never we live in different countries.
12 Aug 2011 9:07 PM
30 Mar 2010
Ottawa
Doodlemom
Devotee
1,291
I'd have no problem with it.
Have the wedding YOU want. Everyone else can deal with it
12 Aug 2011 9:14 PM
9 Oct 2008
Victoria, BC
jasey
Devotee
1,676
A couple we know did that. Private ceremony, then a party a few weeks later. I wasn't offended at all. I don't get how it's a money/gift grab if you're going to provide them with food and a party?
Edited to add: Even as a family member I wouldn't be offended, especially if we're not close. I probably wouldn't expect to be invited at all if we don't see each other regularly.
12 Aug 2011 11:31 PM
30 Jun 2007
Victoria
Tropical777
Raving Lunatic
12,667
It sounds like what a lot of people do. A DW and then an at-home reception. So no I wouldn't be offended looking at it that way.
12 Aug 2011 11:41 PM
11 Jan 2010
aime
Addict
2,919
Nope I don't think it sounds offensive at all. Especially if you aren't close to your extended family.
13 Aug 2011 2:54 AM
1 Dec 2009
Vancouver, B.C. Canada
Mrs.Olson
Fan
578
When we were starting to figure out our guest list, my mother informed me that I "have to invite everyone - most if not all won't come, but you have to invite them ALL!" My mother is one of the most UNsentimental people I've ever known, and prides herself on not 'following the herd' - so this statement surprised me. I have almost 30 first cousins, most of whom I've spent time with maybe 4 times in my entire life. Plus, a few of them are married but I was only invited to one wedding (and I think I basically invited myself to that one LOL, mainly because it was in Nicaragua so it was an excuse for a vacation).
In the end, the only extended family I invited were my 8 aunts & uncles (my parents each have two siblings) and the very small handful of my cousins that I've actually spent some time with in the past 20 years. Only one (my dad's sister) came to the wedding.
Long story short OP, I don't think you should worry overly much about your dilemma - it's a completely different scenario than having the ceremony and reception on the same day.
13 Aug 2011 12:03 PM
1 Jan 2010
AnnonyWife
Unregistered
0
We've been to weddings where the ceremony and dinner were very small and intimate and then the reception was open to the masses. No one was offended (not all came and that's fine due to distances needed to be travelled). It was open bar and the invitations clearly stated no gifts so it wasn't a money grab at all. Those that came for the reception came to party and had a great time (and I think drank the most).
ETA - We've also been to a wedding where we were invited to the ceremony and dance but not dinner. That cheesed most people off because we had a huge gap of time and nothing to do plus we had to feed ourselves in a dinky @ss little town / mini-city where there weren't many restaurants. Only immediate family and the wedding party were invited to dinner so the rest of the wedding guests ended up eating at the hotel lounge and complaining loudly to one-another. At least it created a sense of camaraderie amongst guests who didn't know one-another beforehand.
I think your idea is fine. You're feeding them so it's not a money grab.
13 Aug 2011 12:21 PM
2 Aug 2009
Nuke
Addict
3,348
No, the ceremony is the boring/cheap part right? You're still giving them dinner and a party (which is the expensive part), so I don't see how you could be offended by that.
13 Aug 2011 12:55 PM
14 Jul 2010
Cruising around...
Ms_Roc
Duchess of the Forum
24,223
I would not be offended at all. The dinner/party is the best part usually anyways!
13 Aug 2011 8:15 PM
9 May 2011
Winnipeg, Canada
Vitamin-M
WB Lurker
165
i'd be more likely to invite people to the ceremony than the reception...mind you, i'm not doing that at all. All or nothing for me.
14 Aug 2011 1:36 AM
5 Oct 2010
MIJ
Chatterbox
490
thanks for the responses.
We've been together for almost 7 yrs now and almost 8 by the time we get married so gifts are not really needed at all but are always appreciated(I'm going to put something to this effect on the invites as we have everything we could possibly need or want at this point in our lives and don't have room to store stuff for the future)
FH doesn't want anyone at the ceremony but him and I and the legally required witnesses for reasons he can't put into clear words ("I just don't" is his best explanation). I'm trying to convince him into parents, siblings & our witnesses.
There is only one aunt/uncle and her kids that we are remotely close to out of 8 aunts and uncles and all their children.
I was thinking of doing it on the same day, with the ceremony earlier in the day and then party at dinner time with full dinner and dance etc.
Jasey - these family members do fully expect to be invited to whatever version of a wedding we have.
Amz - no, no redo ceremony. I can't figure out a way of making it non-awkward and thats part of why FH wants to elope is the privateness of the vows.
Muskn - I don't see the difference between a few days/weeks earlier or a few hours earlier...(not trying to be rude...just not seeing the difference)
14 Aug 2011 8:35 AM
5 Jan 2009
Ottawa, ON
sgalla161
Devotee
1,798
We did something similar. We didn't elope but we were married in NY and it was only immediate family that were there. We had a reception almost a year later in Ottawa and extended family and friends were invited. Nobody was offended, we had good food and dancing and everyone had a great time. I wouldn't consider it a money grab.
14 Aug 2011 9:28 AM
1 Sep 2008
Urban
Postaholic
9,536
If you went away for a wedding and then had an at home reception I could understand but that's the whole part and parcel of having an at home wedding. You have to invite people you don't really want there. This is a big reason why many brides go away for a DW. The cost of hosting that many people, and people you barely know isn't worth it...at least for us it wasn't.
I went to a wedding where the bride invited certain people to the wedding and dinner then invited other people to the "Cocktail" part of the evening. I thought it was really odd as I'd never seen this thing before. However the "cocktail" guests were people she knew from work and were on her soccer team and things like that, not aunts and uncles.
The only issue I have is the 8 months later. You've been married for 8 months. It seems a little late to be having a party and I would probably interpret it more as a gift grab. Also if you're not that close why bother inviting them at all?
15 Aug 2011 12:06 PM
7 Dec 2010
Canelle
Rookie
243
It's your wedding and your decisions... this is just my honest opinion, but:
I think I'm with muskn on this... When invited to a wedding, the actual wedding is my fave part. A good friend of ours did something similar a few weeks ago (parents, grand-parents, siblings and witnesses only for ceremony and dinner) and we did not have fun at the reception. We were about 150 for reception and no one was dancing... everything seemed akward. Sorry!
15 Aug 2011 12:34 PM
11 Jan 2010
Sherwood Park, AB
Murdoch
Fan
810
Video the wedding and show it before you come into your reception. I went to a wedding like this and loved it. We couldn't afford to attend the DW - so being able to see the ceremony at the reception was awesome!
15 Aug 2011 1:35 PM
4 Jun 2006
MrsMac07
Devotee
2,221
Your FH needs to realize that he is not marrying himself, he is marrying another person who also has wants and expectations regarding her wedding. Seriously, all I've read in this post is what your FH wants. Is he taking into consideration your feelings at all?
16 Aug 2011 12:36 PM
19 Sep 2005
Ms_Married
Duchess of the Forum
21,087
As a guest, I wouldn't mind the private ceremony. In fact, I'm travelling 6 hours to a wedding on New Year's Eve where the ceremony is private and the guests are invited only to a cocktail reception.
I would find the 8 month gap weird and would probably only attend if getting there required little to no effort from me (no travel, no time off work, etc). I don't see the point in celebrating a 'wedding' when you're closer to your one-year anniversary than to the actual wedding itself.
21 Aug 2011 8:54 PM
24 Mar 2010
Cambridge, Ontario
MoonCat
Devotee
1,217
I wouldn't be offended in the least. We are having a smaller ceremony (in smaller i mean 80 people) as that is all the park will hold. Our reception is going to be 192 friends and family. This is the norm in our families so I do not expect anyone to be offended. But as it was said above,
Don't like it, don't come.
P.S. the 8 months would really throw me off. it wouldn't offend but it's doubtful I would attend as it's kind of pointless as you've been married for 8 months.
25 Aug 2011 4:10 PM
24 Jul 2008
ImASecret
Devotee
1,311
I wouldn't have a problem with it... especially if we only saw eachother once a year anyway.
26 Aug 2011 8:21 AM
23 Feb 2010
Travel
JeannieBean56
New Member
33
We both have large families and felt alot of "pressure" to invite more and more family and friends. We are renting a tent so for every person there is a cost outside of just the dinner because we will need a bigger tent and more dishes, tables, chairs, the list goes on... This means we can not have as many friends at the wedding as we would like, so for many of our friends and coworkers the received a reception only invite. We have had one person who was upset by this, but other then that people have just been happy to be included. We hand delivered the reception only cards and explained the situation and everyone understood (well except for that one person). These people know us and are our friends they know its not a "money grab" and know we are not doing it to be mean.
I do agree with many of the above posts if you don't like it don't come.
26 Aug 2011 4:49 PM
7 Jul 2005
Saskatoon SK
redandrea
Devotee
2,345
I feel like muskn. The reception/cocktails/party are fun and can be very special with speeches etc. But the part that I'm most look forward to is the ceremony.
How do your parents feel about this idea of not being at the ceremony or not having their relatives there? I'm absolutely not suggesting that you consult with them, some parents will see this as a way to get control. But maybe it's important for Aunt so-and-so to be invited not because she's close to you but because she's close to your Mom. Etc, etc. So maybe that's why all the extended family expect an invitation.
And is it important to YOU at all that your parents and/or siblings are there? Will it do irreparable damage to any relationships to keep them out of the ceremony part?
If FH wants something extremely special and private between the two of you, then would it be possible to work that in to the more traditional schedule? Can you see each other before the ceremony and make some one-on-one vows? Or take the time after the ceremony to be by yourselves?
26 Aug 2011 5:13 PM
5 Oct 2010
MIJ
Chatterbox
490
redandrea - I'm not even inviting a whole side of my family. I left that side up to my dad (they're his siblings and families). He said he didn't care if they were there or not. So they likely will not be invited at all.
I am trying to get FH to agree to a parents & siblings only at ceremony (thats 12 ppl not incl us). Not having anyone there wouldn't cause irrepreable damage but I can see my mom being a bit put out by it. I'd like to have my parents and brother there but its not a deal breaker for me.
If FH won't agree to the parents & sibs at ceremony I have forced an agreement that we'll do the two events substantially closer together. The 8 month spread was simply that we were going to get married while he was home from work this holiday season and then have the party when he was back and the weather is nice in the summer.
31 Oct 2012 11:59 PM
30 Apr 2012
buzzle.ca
buzzle
New Member
0
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13 Sep 2011 2:59 PM
21 Apr 2007
Ontario
MyGeek
Devotee
2,263
I wouldn't be offended. Its like a destination wedding, not going to the ceremony down south, and then going to the party afterwards.
13 Sep 2011 3:14 PM
24 Apr 2007
New Brunswick
Moexx
Postaholic
6,760
I wouldn't be offended. I would have been really sad not to be part of my brother's wedding though. DH's brother elopped and we were surprised since the family is pretty close. I'ts been like 8 years and his mom is still sad that she wasn't there.
In the end you celebrate your wedding the way you want to.
13 Sep 2011 3:18 PM
2 May 2005
Maritime Mama
Raving Lunatic
11,970
I wouldn't be offended but I would find it odd not to be invited to the ceremony since that's the most important part of the day!
13 Sep 2011 3:40 PM
5 Jun 2005
Vancouver, BC
sparklish
Postaholic
8,663
I wouldn't be offended. But if it were me, I'd definitely have the parties closer together if at all possible, and I'd spread the word that gifts are not expected. Some people will still want to get you things, but I would put it out there nonetheless.
28 Sep 2011 4:05 PM
25 Jun 2011
OMGBaby
WB Chatterbox
374
I wouldn't be offended, but I also wouldn't bring a gift, just a card. I love to eat though and I love to dance and that's pretty much what's awesome about weddings!
28 Sep 2011 4:21 PM
9 Aug 2006
Ottawa
Irish
Guru
16,552
I wouldn't be offended at all...but I did have this conversation with a group of people just this week and I was the odd one out (a couple had been to a wedding last weekend where the ceremony was more private and they weren't invited, just went to the reception, of a family member).
Weddings ceremonies used to be open events, often members of the couples church congregation, community etc. would come to watch and share, the reception is what was more private and exclusive. I think having a private ceremony with a big party is something newer.
If you're unsure, just run it by some of your family members and see how they think everyone will react (if you care or your DH isn't absolutely sure he wants to be alone).
28 Sep 2011 4:42 PM
13 May 2009
GTA
muskn
Addict
3,770
I'm not surprised you were the odd one out, Irish.
I think if I were invited to a wedding of an acquaintance or co-worker, I wouldn't care about not going to the ceremony. But family and friends? I would be really upset.
I just don't understand how you ask people to come celebrate a wedding they weren't invited to. And not for a good reason, like a DW (this is an exception, IMO).
31 Oct 2012 11:59 PM
30 Apr 2012
buzzle.ca
buzzle
New Member
0
For more discussion like this or to reconnect with weddingbells.ca forum members, check out the forums at buzzle.ca!