I feel like such a failure...

I am fat. And I hate it. But I am so sick and tired of the attempts and minor successes followed by failure and excess weight gain that I can't convince myself to do anything about it, even though I hate it (me) so much.

I've never been skinny, other than when I was a child, but I've always "carried my weight well". I'm 5'8" and the lowest I have been as an adult was about 165, but I was about 19 or 20 then, I am now 35. But over the past few years things have been such an up and down yo-yo that I am feeling so defeated by myself. When I was 9 months pregnant with ODD (July 2003)I was 250 lbs; by Christmas 2005 I got down to about 180, then I had another baby in Nov. 2006, closely followed by another one May 2008. New Year's Day 2009 I weighed 223lbs, the heaviest non-pregnant I had ever known myself to be. I worked at it, worked hard! Ate right, stopped smoking, drinking, journalled my food and exercise... Sept. 2010 I was 176, I still felt fat even though my clothes fit better (lots were too big) and I got fed up with all the work I'd been doing but not being happy with the results (plus all the people around me that are the same height but about 40 lbs lighter complaining that THEY were fat and needed to lose weight!)

Fast forward to 2012, about a month ago I weighed myself, very reluctantly, and was so sad to see 228 show up on the scale! I knew I had gained back a lot of the weight I'd lost, but in actuality I ganed it all back and MORE! How am I supposed to motivate myself to go through it all again when it feels so futile? I'm seriously so depressed about it, and when I get depressed I eat, and when I eat I get get fatter and when I get fatter I get more depressed and it just continues in the most viscious circle... it doesn't help that I always feel so alone. I have DH and his family here (in ON, I'm from MB) but DH and I just don't seem to have any real friends. We try, but the other people just seem to suck (I/we call people to make plans, but they never return phone calls, or change plans, or whatever... then we just get tired of trying) So, of course, that depresses me too... so, in other words, I don't have any friends to work out with either to help motivate me. And going to the gym doesn't make it any better, I tried a year ago. I joined a new gym, BEAUTIFUL gym, went there quite a lot at first, hoping that maybe just maybe I'd make a friend through a class or something, but nope... can't say that anyone (other than employees) even spoke to me. I don't think I give off a "leave me alone" vibe, if anything I'd think I give off more of a "lost puppy please help me" vibe (if that makes any sense)

So, I guess what I'm hoping is for some words of advice, encouragement, motivation, etc. someone else that has been in my same situation. How do I turn my head around? I'm trying to convince myself to work out for HEALTH and not for THIN, but if the thin(ner) ain't happenin' then I lose all motivation for the exercise at all. I don't need diet/food tips, I know pretty well all of them! It's just a matter of practicing them.

If you've read this, thank you.

 28 Feb 2012 3:44 PM
 5 Jul 2006
 New Brunswick
I am in the same boat you are. I have never been pregnant (ok well I have but not to full term) but my weight yo-yo's and I decided it's time to STOP it.

I'm 5'4" and 220 lbs and my goal weight is 150 even though the BMI calc says that's on the very edge of not being overweight. I know what I look like at 150 lbs (though I thought I was fat at the time, I now realize I was crazy) and that's what I'm going to be happy at

I lost a lot of weight in high school through hard work and exercise. Gained it all back when I moved away from home. Again used hard work and exercise in 2006/2007 and gained IT all back. Lots 30 lbs in 2010 (from stress, not the healthy way)and gained MOST of it back.

As for other people being same height and lighter but complaining, I've learned that I can't focus on what other people think is overweight, but only what will make ME happy (and losing any weight at this stage will make me happy)

I'm keeping myself accountable in a thread here that I created so please feel free to join (putting my weight out there and telling others what I plan on doing will keep my in line, as I am sort of prideful that way)

I'd be happy to buddy up with you in terms of accountability. For example I'm trying 30 min of exercise Mon-Fri and making healthier food choices AND making sure I drink a lot of water.

Good luck and hugs that you are feeling so down and discouraged.

I've been (and am pretty much currently at) where you are. It's a bad feeling

 28 Feb 2012 3:59 PM
 13 Aug 2006
 Calgary, AB
I think almost every one of us with a weight issue has been in this same situation.
It is tough sometimes to really see where the end goal is, knowing how far away it is sometimes. We can really beat ourselves up about it too..Yet, the things we think or say about ourselves, we would never ever say to a friend.. So the first thing to do is start treating yourself as your friend. Positive self thinking does actually go a long way. It has taken me a long time to be able to look in the mirror and smile at myself, and not look critically at every fat roll, jiggle, or stretch mark. Be kind to yourself, first and foremost.

I have been at my gym for almost 6 years now, and it is only now that I have a few women I am friendly with in my step class.. and I still don't know their names.. We say hello, talk a little before class and thats it. Otherwise I spend my time at the gym to myself. You don't need to make friends at the gym to get in a good workout. I do understand you are in a new place without many friends. So maybe instead of waiting for people to talk to you, You need to be forward, and talk to someone first.
Do you have any sort of Mommy group in town? Check the local bulletin boards in the grocery stores or community centers to see if there are any groups that might interest you.

Anyways, back to the weight /food issues...

For me, I had to fully accept that giving it 50% wasn't going to be enough. I had to commit to changing my life around and knowing that I could never go back to where I was. I made the commitment 9 years ago when I was at my heaviest and having heart palpitations in the middle of the night. I swore to myself that I would never get back to that weight again. Unfortunately two children and big weight gains have put me back to a place I never wanted to see again, but not once did I ever decide to stay here. I have been working hard to be healthy, get the weight off again and live a healthy life. It may take me longer this time, but I will NOT give in and give up. Ever.

To me, I think thats the biggest and hardest step for someone to make. Knowing that it is not going to be easy, and you are going to struggle, but damnit you are worth that effort. You CAN do it.

You can't do it for anyone but yourself. No one. Not your DH. Not your Kids, Just you. YOU have to decide when YOU are important enough to put first.

Focus on the positive in your life. Focus on your little changes that make a difference in your health. Start slow, start small.. but just START..

Hugs. I hope this helps you get started..

 28 Feb 2012 4:07 PM
 25 Jun 2004
Emma's mom
Whereabouts in ON are you? Maybe we could hook up if you are close!

I know the only thing that worked for me was being motivated for the right reasons. I had tried to use all kinds of other things to motivate me "I should be healthy" "do it for my kids" "do it for my husband"..none of it worked for very long. It would get me very frustrated and I'd quit...then I'd try again...and quit..and then I'd say the same things you are "what's the point" "I'm a failure"...etc. It is a viscious circle indeed! I like to eat emotionally as well...even if it is simply a temporary fix.

I knew what it would take. I knew what I needed to do I just needed to find a reason to do it...and one day I did. For me. For no other reason than myself. I hooked up with a personal trainer to help me get started and get the workouts all set up for me. She's been my rock through all of this. I realized that I needed someone outside of my family to hold me accountable as I could easily manipulate everyone else! I've found that I really don't need her to really do much as I'm doing this for me and I keep myself accountable. We're still working together and I'm at the point where I feel that this is my lifestyle...not just something I do because I feel it's what I should be doing. She's gotten me over that hump and will help me with whatever rocks I stick in my own way (yes I know the roadblocks are of my own creation..but I'm human and sometimes forget!!).

I take a lot of evening classes which I really enjoy. It gets me out of the house and in the presence of other people. It took quite a while to get to know some of them...but I've found that after a year of doing them I'm starting to get to know some and have a lot more fun. They aren't the kind of people I'd likely head to the gym with..but they are friendly faces and that feels good too!

I think you need to leave your past successes and failures in the past and just focus on the present. You can absolutely make positive changes if you want to...and it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing deal. Little things can turn into big changes over time! I keep a little journal and write in it quotes that I find motivating. I save pictures of bodies and such that I'm striving to look like. When I'm feeling negative I read through them and remind myself what it is that I'm trying to achieve. If all else fails, I email my trainer and cry on her shoulder.

I think you need to decide what you want...why you want it...and how you plan to achieve it. Start small and go from there...maybe it's a matter of just drinking so much water in a day for a month...then maybe adding a walk in...or you could be like me and go in 250%...whatever works for you! We're here to support you!

 28 Feb 2012 4:14 PM
 26 Oct 2005
Don't give up on yourself! I spent nearly three years knowing what I needed to before I actually did anything. I was scared to go to the gym. I felt terrible about myself and ate to feel better. I know how impossible it all feels. It's a horrible feeling to want something so badly and yet something inside of you keeps you from trying. That self-defeating feeling, it sucks.

But you can do it. I think for me I had to hit "bottom" before I really felt like I couldn't accept the way things were anymore. I think I had to get mad enough, lol. It's the starting that's hard. Once I started, I felt better about myself even before I'd lost a pound. And that feeling kept me going. It made the difference between avoiding mirrors and looking myself in the eye, because 1 pound down or 30 down, I was proud of myself and felt myself changing.

I hope you find what you need to get started. PM me if you need a boost or some encouragement. smile

 28 Feb 2012 4:21 PM
 8 Nov 2008
In order to lose weight I have found that I really need to be kind to myself and need to give myself permission to enjoy my sucesses along the way. Down 1 lb this week? That's 1 lb closer to my goal. I know it sounds like hooey but you can't hate the fat off.

In the very slim chance you live in my neighbourhood, where do you live? I'm working on baby weight myself and could use some motivation too.

 28 Feb 2012 10:28 PM
 6 Oct 2008
 Leduc AB
I found what works best for me and my motivation is getting up at the crack of dawn before work and working out the a JM dvd. It is only 30mins out of my day, I get it out of the way right away, no one is interrupting me, and at the end of the day I felt like I haven't even worked out.

I find trying to motivate myself to workout after a long day at work just doesn't work for me. I can come up with a bazillion excuses why I can miss my workout. First thing in the morning, I have no excuses. And this is coming from someone who HATES mornings and a year ago would have said - no way am I getting up that early.

One reason I use JM dvds (besides the fact they kick butt), is that there is structure to them. I am motivated to complete the 10 days of level one, and move onto the next.

I also put my status on my blackberry messenger to "Day 2 - complete!" in order to keep track. People ask me what Day 2 is about and I feel good telling them what I'm trying to accomplish and they encourage me. I have been going at it for just over 30 days, and if I miss a workout, I am SUPER cranky for the rest of the day. I feel like something is missing and it drives me nuts.

Like PPs said, you definitely hafta want it for YOU. You have to want to change your life, and committ to the exercise being part of your life forever. You have to find something that works into your schedule that you enjoy doing.

 29 Feb 2012 10:47 AM
 4 Apr 2006
I totally understand the frustration and self loathing that comes with trying to lose weight again and again and again and never having success. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and just giving up because I didn't think I would ever look any different. Even DH had given up on me and accepted that I would be overweight for the rest of my life.

Then, 18 months ago, I found something that motivated me. It was the first WB Biggest Loser Challenge. The idea of competing with other people to lose weight completely changed everything for me. I was on mat leave and started doing the P90X program, 6 days a week during my YDD's morning nap. Working out during that time helped keep my moods even (I had PPD with ODD) and gave me a lot of energy. I started tracking calories in MyFitnessPal and lost close to 20 lbs that first challenge.

I'm now competing in my 5th Biggest Loser Challenge. I've lost 53 pounds total and am 4 pounds from my goal. I've also spent a LOT of time dealing with my food related emotional issues. I know that to have any hope of maintaining my goal weight I have to stop bingeing and using food to make myself feel better. Also, for me, working out is secondary to eating well. I can lose weight without exercise, but I can't lose weight if I'm working out and eating like crap.

Anyways, I guess what I'm saying is that in order to lose the weight, I had to find the right motivation. I also needed to change my thinking and my habits. It's still a rough road at times, but this time I'm confident the weight will stay off.

I hope you find your motivation - you deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself.

 3 Mar 2012 11:51 AM
 14 Feb 2012
New Member
Sounds like a bi*ch, though like the motivational said - choose your hard. Go follow a good program and you'll see results(as long as you follow it, that is)

Will pray for you!

 4 Mar 2012 6:55 PM
 25 Feb 2008
You are not alone! It's never easy. I've been up and down several times. You will find something that motivates you eventually. for me, it was signing up for the Ottawa race weekend. I'm working on being in good enough shape to run the in the 5k.
Don't give up on yourself! You will succeed!
What gym do you go to? I'd love to do some classes with you if you're at the same as mine!

 31 Oct 2012 11:59 PM
 30 Apr 2012
New Member

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