31
 3,978

 Anyone interested in a family planning thread?

I know there are always 1 vs 2 and 2 vs 3 posts, and I am in the 2 vs 3 camp. I spend WAY too much time trying to make this decision! Is there anyone else mulling over this choice who would be interested in starting up a discussion thread about how they are making the choice, pros and cons you are weighing, spacing you are considering, etc? Basically a thread for anyone who is not quite sure what their final family makeup is going to look like smile

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 17 Sep 2011 9:18 PM
 8 Oct 2007
 Toronto
PeachyPie
Raving Lunatic
12,961
Oh yeah we're in that boat too, but with a 1 week old we're not seriously discussing anything really yet. DH was pretty set on just having 2 until Evan came around. Now the talk of 3 has been a little more positive! I'd love a third, always saw myself having 3. But really being pregnant is still too fresh in my mind, I do not want to be pregnant again for quite some time! So we've got a while to decide. I think I'd also want E to be out of diapers before the next one comes along, if we do go for a third. I don't think I'd do well with two babies.

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 17 Sep 2011 9:18 PM
 25 Jan 2004
 Ontario
Mama2Girlies
Addict
4,856
I'm in the same spot. I'm pretty sure we've decided to go for another. Now my debate is whether I go for 2 years or 3 years apart. Like you, we have a 4 year age gap between our first two and while I like many things about it, I don't want another large gap (and even larger between 1 and 3!).

Logically, I know that two kids makes more sense than 3 but in my heart I see us as a family of five. I just love the dynamic - or at least the idea of the dynamic!

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 17 Sep 2011 9:41 PM
 27 Apr 2006
 Ottawa
LittleEarthquakes
Addict
3,194
I'm constantly debating 2 vs 3. DD just turned 1 and I feel baby fever kicking in. For a number of reasons, I'm tryi g really hard not to make any decisions for at least another 8 or 9 months. I feel like im finally feeling human again, the kids are manageable, I can wear skinny jeans again, and my career is going well. I just don't want any interruptions for a while. I also want to earn some real money again as EI is a huge pay cut for me.

^^ that is my rational brain telling me to wait.

My emotional side is telling me to start trying now. It doesn't help that I just got my first postpartum AF so it's like my body is telling me that it's time for another baby!

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 17 Sep 2011 9:46 PM
 21 Oct 2005
 Burlington
misszoob
Addict
4,737
I think our big thing is really that babies are so limiting. We had such freedom and fun with DD getting grown up, having no naps...we're just biding our time until DS can do things with us like bike rides, activities for older children, etc. If we have another baby, we'll be thrown right back into being "trapped" by another babe. Also, our babies seem genetically predisposed to being crappy sleepers tongueold

The other thing that is huge for both of us is. DH takes anti-rejection medication that is suspected to cause miscarriage and potentially a (very small) increase in birth defect risk. I don't know if I could get over the guilt of putting huge stress into our family if we had a special needs child that took more than the expected amount of time and focus away from the kids we already have. Because I am the main driver for another kid, I would be overcome with guilt FOREVER if that happened. And since it definitely could happen, how can I justify the risk? Also, we found the m/c we had, and the trying after the m/c, to be soooo upsetting and stressful. Neither of us wants to go through that emotional rollercoaster again.

We are lucky that I don't think that a 3rd will really change much for us financially, except for needing a new car. And in my opinion, a car is a trivial factor. We already have a 4 bedroom home. We have had both a girl and a boy, so we are in hand-me-down heaven. And we both work from home, so our daycare requirements can be pretty flexible, in that we already try to keep the kids home with us as much as we can manage. Our families are very involved with our children. We'd probably just get a part-time nanny, which we had this summer and loved. Age is not much of a factor for us, as I am only 33 and DH is even younger wink

My problem is that I have *always* envisioned myself with 3 children. Always wanted 3 as long as I can remember. I don't know how to "get over" that, even if my brain says stopping at 2 would be so much easier, and we both like the family we have now! I would have done pretty much anything to have a 2nd baby, but I'm definitely not *that* driven for a third. I wish I could be more content to be done! I find it hard to imagine that I'll never be pregnant again, never have another baby.

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 17 Sep 2011 9:51 PM
 28 May 2006
 Mount Real
LadybugJones
Raving Lunatic
13,095
We're in this spot right now too. I have had my heart set on 3 since I was PG with YDS. DH always knew this, but we've had some challenging times with YDS and he's pretty much said no to a third, mainly because he only imagined we'd have two.

We've discussed this issue, but not at length and he's decided to wait until YDS is a year and a half for us to make our final decision. I want the 2nd and 3rd to be further spaced anyway(ODS and YDS are 18.5 months apart), so the timing is perfect.

There are days where I think that my 2 boys are enough for us to handle, financially, emotionally. And I question why I would want to do it all again once the other 2 are out of the baby/toddler phase, but something in my heart tells me that I want us to be a family of 5. I grew up as an only and I always envied my friends with lots of sibs...It's a silly reason to have another, but it's all I have right now smirk

I think DH's main concern in not only financial, but the responsibility of 3 and having to go through the baby stage again, which is by far his least favourite part of having kids.

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 17 Sep 2011 9:59 PM
 11 Feb 2007
MmeBruni
Addict
3,947
I am now fairly certain that we will try for a baby soon. I am not exactly enthralled with the idea of doing the baby thing again but the way I see it, it's short term pain. The thought of bfing again, of sleepless nights, of being "fat," having surgery...bah. Not pleasant. But I really want a bigger family. It just feels right.

I also worry about health issues, etc. I just feel so blessed that we've had these perfectly great, healthy kids, and now having experienced an early m/c I realize so much is out of our control.

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 18 Sep 2011 12:07 AM
 13 Aug 2006
 Calgary, AB
Raynn
Guru
19,688
I am fairly certain there will be one more for us. While DH and I have not yet discussed this, I do know from things we have said that #3 has come up in conversation is sly ways..

I have days where I think I am done with two, but those are rare and more of a "I dont know if I can do this again" sort of mentality, but more often then not my heart says three. In fact I went into my last pregnancy feeling it wasnt my last and I knew there would be one more for me to experience.

Logistically, yes we would be best to stop at two. We have a modest home.. three bedrooms, Small SUV, DH works from home and is slowly getting his business off the ground.. Two means easier travel, no one can double team us, the newborn stage is over..


But all of the shortcomings, the financial impact, the stress... for me, it just doesn't seem to compare with the ability to have another child in my home. I suppose because I came from a family of three, I remember how things were, and while we rarely took any sort of vacations, we were all looked after, able to have our own activities.. we never did without.. Maybe because of my upbringing, I know that DH and I are already better off than my parents were, and they managed to keep us all well fed, well kept and well looked after.. that I know we would be just fine in the end with a third.

I know that we will have to start discussing soon, but for now, we are on the fence.

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 18 Sep 2011 8:20 AM
 4 Jun 2005
mama2boys
Postaholic
9,681
I would love a 3rd, but DH is not on board at the moment. It took a really long time for him to come around on having a 2nd; we have 3 yrs between our boys, and I would like either a smaller or larger gap if we had another. Which means I would need to be pregnant by Christmas (that would be 2yrs between the younger ones) or wait until YDS is 3 before we started trying (financially, that would be better as I am not working really right now (extremely part time, not enough to qualify for mat leave - again)
I just love pregnancy (even thought it is hard on me - pre-e with both boys); babies and kids - the challenging times included.....

I just keep my FX that DH changes his mind, or that we have a wonderful surprise some month.

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 18 Sep 2011 10:53 AM
 25 Jan 2004
 Ontario
Mama2Girlies
Addict
4,856
So, is it totally irrational of me that one of the reasons I hesitate on #3 is because I'm dreading hearing the "You're trying for the boy?" comments!?

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 18 Sep 2011 1:01 PM
 24 Oct 2008
 BC
Sammers
Devotee
1,756
I always thought I would only want 2 but now that I've had DS sometimes I think I want 3. Despite some health issues at the end of my pregnancy I really enjoyed being pregnant, and though we definitely have our days I have really enjoyed watching DS grow. Then practicality sets in and I think about how much harder financially 3 will be. Twins also run in my family and I'm scared that if I go for 3 I will end up with 4!

Needless to say I'm completely undecided, but we only have 1 now, so maybe once I have 2 I won't feel the urge to have a third! smile

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 18 Sep 2011 1:53 PM
 19 Jan 2007
 Ottawa, ON
AshleyBeth
Addict
3,263
I think if you're wanting a 3rd (this is directed at everyone), then you should go for it! The last thing you want is the feeling of an incomplete family. Take my parents as an example: they thought they might like a 3rd, but finally decided to stick with 2. Shortly after that decision was made, my dad got a vasectomy. A couple of years later, my mom got pregnant with my sister (the vasectomy didn't work) and my parents were so thrilled because secretly, both of them really wanted a 3rd.

Don't let a botched vasectomy be your deciding factor! Lol

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 18 Sep 2011 2:00 PM
 12 Sep 2007
 Winnipeg, Manitoba
Mae
WB Postaholic
6,992
We've agreed on 2 for awhile now. Unfortunately I had a very difficult pregnancy and L&D. DH now questions whether or not he wants to risk my health to have another child. We'll see. I really don't think we will be having another one anytime in the near future regardless.

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 18 Sep 2011 3:56 PM
 13 Aug 2006
 Calgary, Alberta
cherryblossom
Postaholic
6,605
Great topic, OP!

I *think* I would love to have three, but people keep telling me that I'll probably change my mind after having two. I kind of believe them.

There are days when I don't feel like enough of a mom for my one little one. I'm a terrible cook, LOVE my sleep, and love travelling and I love our easy going lifestyle. I fear being taken over by the kids and losing myself in all the chaos. I have already put some things on hold during my pregnancy/young baby years, and I worry that doing that long term will mess with who I am, kwim?

I love babies and toddlers, but I wonder how the older ages will be. Finances are a big factor as well. I want to be able to provide my kids with lots of opportunities like travel and education. I love the idea of having a third baby and I love the image in my head of a family of three kids (that's what I grew up with), but I'm just not sure if I have what it takes.

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 18 Sep 2011 4:21 PM
 28 Dec 2005
 Calgary, AB
Snick
Postaholic
6,549
I'm so on the fence about #3. DH says he's done but whenever he says that it makes me a little sad...I'm so not ready to be done being pregnant and having babies.

I get it makes sense to stop now. It's easier, financially we're better off, etc. But I just don't know.

I also came from a family of 3 and I hated it. My brothers were 16 months apart so they were and still are to this day, best friends and I was the one left out.

I also joked that my grandma had 2 boys and a girl and she got divorced. My mom had 2 boys and a girl and she got divorced. So I don't want 2 boys and a girl. tongueold

Idealy, if finances weren't a concern at all...I want 4.(And if I could control it, I'd love 2 girls next) I always said I wanted 2 (though I also said I wanted one of each) and then I had one and wanted 4.

Originally Posted By: Raynn
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 18 Sep 2011 6:26 PM
 28 Jul 2004
SeptGal
Raving Lunatic
11,037
We're 99.9% sure that there's a 3rd in our future (at this point the only thing that would hold us back would be currently non-existent health issues). The issue for me is when. I know logically it'd be much 'easier' to wait until DD is in Kindergarten, which would put #2 & #3 three years apart. Logically, that'd be much easier, there's a bigger chance #2 would be potty trained, we'd have DD at school every day and likely have DS at pre-school. Something tells me we won't wait that long though. The current plan is to TTC next summer and aim for an April baby....but I dunno. I've almost got my body back, I've weaned DS and am feeling a new sense of freedom. The debate will be TTC next summer or do we wait a year? Next summer seems so close, then again it's also so far away. I'm already feeling my ovaries twinge when I see newborn babies, I have issues! If I end up back at work the decision will be pretty easy, but if I end up staying home I'll have more to think about. It's pretty much up to me, DH would have #3 ASAP if I said 'go', but since I'm with the kids 99.9% of the time I'm reserving final judgement.

I'm lucky in that I get a lot of help from my Mom and sister. For appointments, big grocery shopping trips or just if I really need an hour or 2 my Mom or sis help out a lot. Both know we'll be going for #3 eventually but both will probably flip when it happens! My parents are planning lots of travelling this winter and I keep urging them to go since there's no babies this year wink

As for the boy/girl comments. I get them ALL the TIME. I have one of each and it bugs me that people say 'ohhhhh, you have one of each, isn't that so perfect! Your family is complete!' To most I smile and nod. But every so often I say 'no way, we gotta go for a tie breaker!' I'm #3 in my family. I like the dynamic of 3. To me the lines of communication are always open. Holidays are fun. If one sibling is missing it's no biggie, there's still plenty of people around the table. I see in our friends lots of grown boy/girl families of 2 and the kids get raised so differently, they have different interests and as teens/adults they just grow further and further apart (DH and his sister is our prime example). I've had parents of 2 opposite sex siblings tell me 'it's great, there's no competition, they have separate lives', but to me that's sad. I have a brother and a sister and I'm close with both. I realize my kids being friends as they grow up and become adults isn't a given, but I can do my best to facilitate those relationships as they grow up. Life will be crazy, I know, but I thrive on crazy! We have been blessed with 2 very easy going babies so I'm pretty sure I'm in for it with #3.

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 18 Sep 2011 11:15 PM
 30 Oct 2010
 East Coast
MySensesReeled
Devotee
1,707
I want 2 but after having 1 I can't see myself stopping at 2!!

I feel like I have time though so I'm not going to stress too much at this moment!

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 19 Sep 2011 3:15 PM
 4 Dec 2005
newyears
Addict
4,396
I'm dying for a third but DH is having none.of.it. He promises me we'll reevaluate in three years. He thinks we should wait and see what our life is like once the kiddies are a little "easier" and then if I STILL want one we can discuss. I swore during my last pregnancy that I would never do it again. But as soon as I held R in my arms I knew I wasn't done.

My main hesitation is that DH would think of #3 as MY baby rather than our baby.

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 19 Sep 2011 4:06 PM
 16 Dec 2005
 Ottawa, ON
emmy_jayne
Postaholic
8,298
DH is on the fence about having a third, but he knows that I want another one (eventually) so he's trying to keep an open mind. DH just REALLY hates the early months and the toll that young babies (and pregnancy) takes on our sex life! geek I just feel like our family isn't quite complete and that I'm not done having babies yet. If we have another one it won't be until DD is in school, so at least another 2 years. I also want DS to be potty trained before we start trying for a third.... I need a serious break from diapers!

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 19 Sep 2011 9:22 PM
 27 Apr 2006
 Ottawa
LittleEarthquakes
Addict
3,194
I'm glad to see so many others who want a third! I knew I wanted a third the minute I pushed DD out. And, maybe baby was a few days old when I was telling people I wanted a third -- they all said I was crazy and I'd change my mind. She had the most terrible awful dreadful colic consisting of crying for 12+ hours per day, and even when I was in the midst of it, I knew I still wanted another.

I also get the "you have one of each, your family is complete" comments. But, it's soooo not complete. I'm not done. Like HisAngel, I'm afraid that I won't ever feel done. DH thinks 4 would be a nice number, but realistically, 3 would be my max.

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 20 Sep 2011 12:36 AM
 27 Apr 2005
 Lower Mainland, BC
matoke
Devotee
1,997
Oh, it's so nice to not fell all alone in my feelings. DH and I had said we wanted 2 kids, but as soon as I had ODD I knew I wanted at least 3. In fact, I started talking about having a third while they were stitching me up on the delivery table after having YDD!

You've all pretty much summed up every thought that has gone through my mind. And DH is set on 2 kids, which makes me quite emotional about the whole thing. I'll be bringing it up with him again when YDD is a year old. In the meantime I've made it very clear we're taking any permanent action tongueold

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 20 Sep 2011 10:28 AM
 18 May 2010
finally2
Fan
653
I knew I wanted another while I was still pg with ds. Now with ds here, I still want another! Dd and ds have been fantastic babies so I've never had the "omg, I'm sooo done with babies" feeling. I also worry that I'll never have that 'complete' feeling. I am going to go into my next pg assuming it's my last one though. Dh is on board for another, but he would prefer to wait longer then I am. I'd love to try again when ds is 18-20 months old, and dh would rather wait till ds is closer to 2.5-3. I guess when the baby fever hits hard again I'll see what happens!

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 20 Sep 2011 11:02 AM
 27 Aug 2004
EmilyAnna
Postaholic
6,610
As most people on here know, I wanted three. Really bad. And DH wasn't on board.

Now, I'm done. After a breast cancer scare (that isn't over) I've decided that I'm good with what we have. If I am (god forbid) sick, I will just count my blessings that I have two beautiful and healthy kids. This scare has just put things into perspective for me.

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 20 Sep 2011 12:28 PM
 3 Sep 2007
 Winnipeg, Manitoba
Laur86
Devotee
2,286
We have always known we have wanted a big family.
I am from a family of 6 kids and it is what I know. DH is from a family of 3 kids.
We want 3 or 4 kids.
I know in today's society that is a lot but I truly never really imagined just stop at one or two. In fact, a lot of families that I know are 3 or 4 sibling families, so I never really questioned it.

Although we only have one DD right now and we can of course change our minds as the years go by. Our tentative plan is to have a second when DD is around 2 or 2.5 years old, then wait a few years and hopefully have another two children.

I love children and have basically been surrounded by kids (either my siblings or cousins or niece/nephews) my whole life, so I think when we are finally done having babies it will be weird to not have 'babies' around anymore.

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 21 Sep 2011 2:29 PM
 28 Jul 2004
SeptGal
Raving Lunatic
11,037
I don't want to provide you with false hope, altergirl, but we have 2 separate couple friends who are just about to (or just had) #3, in both situations one of the spouses claimed they were done. With one couple it was the wife who was done, the other couple the husband was done. But the other spouse wasn't. We'd heard from both sides of both couples and I think the fact that the spouse who really wanted the 3rd planted the seed/idea, it just took the other spouse a while to warm up to the idea. One of these couples youngest (now middle child) is in kindergarten so I wouldn't worry too much about spacing. If it happens it happens. You never know, your DH might come around, he might not of course, but he might. He's not rushing out to get snipped so that's a good sign.

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 31 Oct 2012 11:59 PM
 30 Apr 2012
 buzzle.ca
buzzle
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 21 Sep 2011 2:51 PM
 7 Aug 2005
 Ottawa
Muscadet
Devotee
1,431
altergirl, about nine months before TTC our first, I was having trouble with the pill. I kept getting yeast infections. I had a talk with DH and said I was no longer comfortable taking hormones and I never wanted to again. Since we weren't ready to TTC, DH started using condoms.

I think you should tell him your concerns about hormones and look into other options. I find that so many people seem to think that there is no big deal about the pill, but I just didn't feel comfortable taking hormones for years and years.

I am not sure what we will do about permanent birth control. I have told him a few times that since I have had one c-section, one vaginal birth and two pregnancies, it's his turn tongueold But really, we haven't made that decision yet.

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 21 Sep 2011 3:02 PM
 28 May 2006
 Mount Real
LadybugJones
Raving Lunatic
13,095
We're still up in the air about what we want to do about a third, but since we have been together, I have refused to take any sort of hormonal BC. It makes me crazy.
I also refuse a copper IUD, they scare me. So we have used condoms. If we decide we are done DH is fully prepared to go for the big V.

Since I am fine with having another and at this point he isn't, I refuse to be responsible for the BC. Is it right? I dunno, but I just don't see why it should be my responsibility.

I definitely think you need to discuss this, because if you don't feel comfortable about hormonal BC, then you shouldn't be forced to take it.

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 22 Sep 2011 1:24 PM
 28 May 2006
 Mount Real
LadybugJones
Raving Lunatic
13,095
Hmmmm, well I can see where he's coming from in that sense. But it does seem unfair frown

I'm actually surprised that my DH is okay with the whole vasectomy decision. He's the one who suggested it, if it were me, I wouldn't want to do something so...permanent. Because in my mind, you never know what can happen in life.

I hope that for both of our sakes, our DH's come around smile

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 22 Sep 2011 3:56 PM
 13 Aug 2006
 Calgary, AB
Raynn
Guru
19,688
Jami - you sneaky sneaky girl:)....


Im not sure Megan. Id be kind of the same way as you. Since you don't really want to prevent, I wouldn't want to be on hormones either. But DH does have a point too.. Another unfair moment in the life of a woman:(

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 24 Sep 2011 9:33 AM
 25 Jan 2004
 Ontario
Mama2Girlies
Addict
4,856
For those who are contemplating a third, what kind of spacing do you think you will have between 2 and 3? Does the gap between 1 and 2 make a difference to you?

I'm really struggling with a 2 year or 3 year age gap. Ideally I would like 2 years because it wold make 2 and 3 closer in age (obviously) and 6 years vs. 7 years between 1 and 3. But 3 years would be easier in that I would be done school and wouldn't have to factor that in at all....ughhh

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 24 Sep 2011 11:34 AM
 7 Aug 2005
 Ottawa
Muscadet
Devotee
1,431
We're actually thinking of a pretty big gap: four years. For a few reasons. We have a Honda Fit, so obviously we have to change cars, we're not sure yet what we'd do for bedrooms, we have no family around to help us out. Not to mention, I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since October 2008 and DH and I went out on a date twice since DD was born shocked So, a bit of a break would be nice. I wouldn't want anything longer, ideally, otherwise I will be too used to not being up all night, nursing, diapering, etc. I'd be 34 by then. I was lucky to have great pregnancies, so I do wonder what kind of pregnancy I'd have in four years.

The kids would be 4 and 6 and in school full-time, so I would have one-on-one time with the baby during the day. I know four years is a pretty big gap, but it sounds nice for us. In the long run, it doesn't really matter. My mom is the second of six. She's 19 years years older than her baby sister, and they're really close.

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 1 Oct 2011 7:38 AM
 4 Jun 2005
mama2boys
Postaholic
9,681
altergirl - hubby was adamant that he only wanted 1 (from the time we met actually) and I wanted 6 - yep, 6.

As I got older I realized that wouldn't happen - but I had a very hard time imagining myself as a mother of an only child.

When ODS was 2 - I stopped bringing it up and "resigned" myself to the fact that ODS was our only - and I was going to stop wishing etc. About 3 mths later DH told me he wanted another - ODS had been asking for about 6 mths for little sister, and DH finally decided he was ready.

As for BC - as soon as we got married I came off of it and told DH that if he didnt want a baby he had to figure out BC. He hates condoms, so our method has been withdrawl, which has served us well in our non-ttc periods. It was that or abstinance because as you, I was not the one wanting to prevent a pregnancy. We still use it - both of us *know* it isn't perfect, but we haven't had any issues.

mama2girlies - spacing - if we were to have a 3rd, I would want less than 2 yrs or more than 4. So I need to get pregnant ASAP or wait 2 yrs. We have 3yrs2mths between our oldest, and I think it would have been better if it was closer or further (based more on ODS personality than anything) If it is a smaller age gap - they need more of the "same" things. If it is bigger, you have more time to devote to each one because the older one is in school etc.

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 31 Oct 2012 11:59 PM
 30 Apr 2012
 buzzle.ca
buzzle
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